Dead Heat: The Story of the Green Party

(Start scene of non-erotic political fan fiction.)

It was 11 pm. The dead heat of the night consumed the air. Cheri Honkala paced nervously back and forth across the room. Dozens of hurried aides worked diligently around her. They answered phone calls, popped tums, and occasionally stole a glance at the disheveled Honkala. These twenty something youngsters might witness history but they had to keep their mind busy, or get crushed by the wrath of the Honk, a nickname first given to Honkala by her defeated opponents. During the madness a white haired lady occupied the organic cotton couch near the fluorescent HD TV. She sipped an organic home brew of green tea as she flipped channels between NPR and C-SPAN. At the same time her eyes gazed at an Al Jazeera stream on her MacBook while she gripped her iPhone, as to not miss any important text vibrations. Yet through this haze of electronic acrobatics, the lady gave off an aura of tranquility. It annoyed the Honk.

(I don’t know if they really call her the Honk.)

“Stein why are you so calm!” Honkala bellowed at her running mate.

The petite woman offered her some tea. “Please Cheri, call me by my first name.”

Honkala sighed, “Jill I don’t want your damn tea. How can you be so calm during this dead heat? It’s literally a virtual dead heat!”

Jill nodded and sipped some tea. “Right you are my friend. It is a dead heat.”

And right she was. A virtual dead heat between Jill Stein and Mitt Romney. Ever since Tucker Carlson bravely uncovered a secret tape of Obama on Sean Hannity’s show, the world changed forever. The tape revealed the true racist, islamofascist tendencies of the President, and caused much of the Democratic Party to distance themselves from the disgraced Commander in Chief. Those betrayed Democrats now looked at Jill Stein as their alternative option.

(The video in question is a tape Tucker and his Daily Caller crew “unearthed” despite existing five years earlier to little fanfare. In this stunning piece of investigative journalism, Obama in 2007 is shown talking to a crowd of, gasp, black people. The Drudge Report showed pieces of it, then Hannity’s television show, and the Daily Caller posting the full monty on their own site. It was suppose to show how scary black Obama is without actually saying the sentence, “this president is a scary black man!”. In reality, the video was not the October surprise Tucker hoped for.)

The battle between Stein and Romney was a complete, undeniable virtual dead heat tie. A dream cable news only spoke of as legend. Wolf Blitzer later died from all the excitement. On election night, it came down to Ohio, where the lead between Romney and Stein changed every other minute, and the difference only as large as a couple hundred.

The deadest of heat if there ever was one to have ever been dead heated.

(Of course Jill Stein was a non factor, as were all the third party candidates. Stein and her running mate tried to gain support by getting arrested at the two party presidential debates. Other times she opted for awkward webcam debates which were like real time reenactments of your grandpa trying to skype you. If you saw her official announcement for the Green Party candidacy, you witnessed a half dozen if not a full dozen of excited Green Partiers ready to see this Jill Sandwich burn up the world. But surprisingly, Green Party support wouldn’t be enough to win it all, so Jill Stein had quite a lot of ground to cover.)

More time passed and still no results of a clear winner in Ohio. Jill sipped her tea. The dead heat did not faze her. Suddenly another aide smashed through the door. He waved papers and his cell phone wildly in the air. “Doctor Stein, Doctor Stein, I must talk to you!”

Jill offered the sweaty man a cup of tea. “Please, call me by my first name.”

The sweaty man accepted the offer but clumsily split the contents on the organic rug. The jitters consumed his body. Honkala proceeded to break the man’s nose.

“Honkala, no need for such violence.” Jill waved Honkala away from the battered aide. The doctor stood up gently and walked towards the pathetic man. In his excitement, the man sneezed with great strength, causing the remote to fall off the organic cotton couch. The force of gravity as it smashed into the newly stained organic rug was enough to press the menacing number 25. The channel changed to CNN. Shock and awe took over the room. The man wept.

“Why all the chaos my friend,” Jill whispered in the sobbing man’s left ear.

“Mrs. Stein, Dr. Stein, Jill…I…I think we won it! ” The man hollered as he wiped blood and tears off his face. “I mean it looks pretty dead heaty at the moment, but I believe we have a substantial enough lead here…”

Jill looked at the television. CNN only showed giant red capital letters that spelled out as “D E A D H E A T” on a black background. Jill glanced at her MacBook, Al Jazeera showed her ticket ahead by 5,000 votes in Ohio but it was too close to call. A recount had to be initiated.

(The only state thought to be recount worthy was Florida, but it was not to be. It should be noted Jill Stein did not win Florida.)

(Also despite the media hype that things were going to be close, Obama and Papa Joe Biden went on to win almost every swing state. As Ohio was called for Obama, Democrats wiped ice off their socialist champagne, while somewhere on a downbeat, grim faced Fox News set, Bush’s right hand buddy Karl Rove had a bit of a frustration fit. But who can blame him, losing a cool hundred million on the political craps table has got to sting.)

Honkala, annoyed, lit a cigarette. She locked eyes with the beaten man, “A few thousand votes isn’t going to be enough to hold off a recount and whatever else those Republican bastards might pull.”

Jill sipped her tea. “Honkala, please have faith. We will win this.” She then gave Honkala a bear hug. And there the Green Party stood united, ready to pull through this deadest of dead heats, and win the presidency once and for all.

Then Honkala woke up. It was just a dream, a beautiful dream.

(With the current domination by the Democrats and Republican, it might stay a dream for a long, long time. The last Green Party candidate that made a dent in the election was Ralph Nader who got almost 3 million votes and well…some people have a grudge. Both in 2004 and 2008, the Green Party presidential candidates failed to get even 200 thousand votes. While Jill Stein in a vast improvement was able to gather almost half a million, she still was beat by 800 thousand votes from her closest 3rd party competitor Gary Johnson.)

(America has a voting system that is not ideal for third parties. Unless it adopts an instant-runoff system, people will be weary to vote beyond the main two candidates. Few, especially voters in swing states, would want another Bush v. Gore, even more so if it’s the guy they despise taking the role of victor.)

(Why the hell would Honkala would dream this? I don’t know. Just be thankful it wasn’t erotic.)


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